Shame in Writing

I'm writing this because I kind of need to get some thoughts out of my head. I'm not looking for commentary necessarily, I just need to get stuff off my chest.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of shame with writing. You see, writing has never been about my personal enjoyment. Creating stories in my head was. Writing was just a vessel to allow others to enjoy my ideas without having to orally tell them, which is tiring. Writing was just a lot simpler; simple equipment that I could carry everywhere with me and use whenever I wanted.

So, I never felt apart of the writing 'crowd'. I've always felt like a fraud; everyone else did it for themselves, to make themselves happy. I did it for others, for commentary. I don't know how to reconcile myself to make writing, the act and art of writing, for myself.

It has really dragged me into a halt with my current WIP. I'm so desperate for someone to tell me I'm on the right track, I feel horribly lost. I don't know where to go or what to do. When I ask for help, no one gives me insight or an answer. They just tell me to figure it out myself yet the reason I ask is because I can't.

I know I shouldn't write for an end goal, yet, it's the end goals that have always kept me going. What's the point in doing anything if there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel? I never do anything for myself. I view that as selfish, and selfishness is a bad thing. I mean, it's not like I deserve to be successful and proud of myself. That's for other people. People who aren't me.

I'm sorry if this is rambling. I'm just letting things flow out of my mind.

It's difficult to get people to understand the depth of my aversion to be selfish, to feel pride. I always viewed these emotions and inherently bad. People aren't suppose to be selfish and prideful, they are suppose to be humble. It's shameful to feel and be selfish. Shameful to do things for yourself when so many others are suffering.

I don't know. I just wish I could get the those thoughts out of my head so I can write. That's all I want to do is write, to escape to my fantasy world again without worry. Yet I worry too much. What if it sucks? What if my ideas are bad? What if I can't get across what I want to get across?

I just feel lost.

Monday Mini Reviews: Shadow and Bone

Another week, another Monday.

Next on Monday's chopping block? Shadow and Bone.

This book was actually the one who inspired me to write my post about World Building. Cripes, the world building and magic system SUCKS in this book.

Why? It has no flaws! Not even joking, the MC, Alina, actually BECOMES beautiful because she accepts her powers.

Oh right, the Grisha, ALL ARE BEAUTIFUL. There are even Grisha who have powers that can make OTHERS beautuful. It is even all the MC talks about. How everyone is beautiful. Except her. She's plain and a stick.

Inherently, I have no issue with this, but there needs something to balance it out. Maybe, Grisha look pretty but eventually become crazy? Maybe, I don't know, if not trained properly, Grisha are a danger to themselves? Anything? Bueller?

As it stands, Grisha are boring. They have special powers, they are beautiful, they are held in high regard in their country. The MC, has the rarest power of them all! Why should I root for them? Why should I worry something bad will happen to them? As far as I could see, the Grisha don't have any obstacles. Sure, there was a mention that guns and evolving technology was making them obsolete, but I never actually SAW that. Nothing from non-Grisha talking about how much better guns/rifles/maps/boats/whatever are than Grisha. The one mention came from the head Grisha, who is suppose to be CRAZY.

So, yeah. World Building: More important than once thought.

Speaking of prettyness, Alina talking about how pretty the Grisha, or palaces, or what-her-face, is. We don't see any training, it's all skipped until the GREAT EPHIPHANY (which I will bitch about in a second). How do Grisha train? I don't even understand how ALINA trains. It seems like all Bagha, her trainer, does is repeatedly tell her to reach inside and get in touch with her power. Um. Some training. No wonder she needed to have an ephihany.

Oh, the great ephiphany. For starters, Alina apparently NEVER KNEW she had this great power. NEVER. EVER. EVER. Didn't know she was Grisha until she exploded saving her best friend. Until the ephiphany reminded her that, oh right, she hid her powers as a kid because she wanted to stay with her friend.

HOW DO YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE THAT??????

I wouldn't think having Grisha powers would be something one would forget! Why did the Bardugo go with the 'I diidn't know I had powers' route?? Having Alina afraid of being found out or something would make more sense! Is Alina brain dead? How does she forget magic running through her? How did a child keep such control? How did she not have ANY accidents? THIS IS WHY WORLD BUILDING IS IMPORTANT.

*HEADDESK*

Opinion: Did I not get the memo that world building is not important or something?

Recommendation: Buy something else.

Next week: Something I actually liked, Graceling!

Full Requests, Reviews, amongst other things....

I'm back!

...I guess.

God, I'm so horrible with this blogging think. I'll admit, I'm horribly boring. My life really consists of doctor appointment and such. Well, my extended family and boyfriend's family are pretty dramatic but out of respect, I don't want to rag on them on the internet.


My in-laws are fucking weird though.

Okay, list time!

1) I GOT A FULL REQUEST, BITCHES. Like, January 11th I got it. I know, nearly three weeks and I mention it here now. I'm a bit slow on this stuff. Damn it, I want March to goddamn well come already.

2) I STARTED WRITING SEQUEL AGAIN. After leeching two chapters from it for the first book's ending. Really hurt my word count (which wasn't much to begin with) but I'm slowly inching back from the hole. God, I'm screwed if the first on gets picked up.

2.5) I'm watching Bridezillas right now. I don't know why. These women are the most spoiled bitches ever. I think I have train wreck syndrome.

3) I have decided I'm going to start something new: Monday Mini-Reviews.

Going to be exactly what they sound like. Mini Reviews of books on Mondays. I'm not going to go super in depth but I'm going more to be silly and amusing. So yes, predict bitching. Sometimes off track. Hopefully I'll come across as funny. Or something.

I do have a little list of books I've read and wanted to review. First on the chopping block?

Isolation by Dan Wells, short story prequel to Partials

Yeah, I'm starting small. So shoot me.

Well, that is all for now. See you all Monday!

Review: Zombie Whisperer by Caterina Torres

Zombie Whisperer by Caterina Torres

3.5 out of 5 stars.

Dear god, am I actually doing a REVIEW??? Why I am! The review here is going to be SPOILERIFIC, if you don't want spoilers, well, head on over to Zombie Whisperer's Goodreads page. I shall be posting a less spoilery review there. DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU

Now, onto the review!

Now, I'm not much into the Zombie trend. Although I absolutely love the Resident Evil games, I just feel there is only so far the Zombie trend can be brought before it nosedives into corny territory.

Caterina proved me wrong.

Zombie Whisperer is about a young woman named Jane Smith who woke up from an illness to find the world as she knew it turned upside down: the zombie apocalypse had happened. After escaping to her boyfriend, Josh Williams', house, the pair make a mad dash to the East Coast and possible safety, but not before they are captured by the very people who created the zombies. That is where Jane learns more than she would ever want to know about her family history and her newfound abilities; she can control the very creatures that had destroyed everything.

I love this idea she brought to the table. This mix of science and the metaphysical with zombies. I actually envy her ability to do this without having the reader go 'Author! Will you just PICK one already??'. I love it when authors really challenge the 'rules' of their genre.

Now for the spoiler part.

Plans for the Future

Okay, so I'm a HORRIBLE updater, I know. I come baring good news, though!

1) In the next little while, quite possibly, I will be participating in something BIG, very, very BIG. We are still ironing out some details and getting people all on the same page, so hopefully, I will get some more definite news very, very soon...

2) I am going to be writing a chapter-by-chapter review of a very BAD book. Okay, not very bad, but pretty bad. I've already read through it and I've always wanted to do a major review on this book ever since I laid my hands on it. It has dragons in it...sorta. I just need to go and get my copy back. I sort of lent it out. Then make some buffer reviews. Hopefully with this review, I may find my niche. If people like it, of course.

So! That is what I have planned for the next little while. So long as nothing falls through. *crosses fingers*

I kind of just realized something...

I haven't written anything new since January.

Really. JANUARY. It's June and I still have yet to create anything new. Not to say I haven't written anything, I edited Shadow's Dawn from January to April (and never finished it) but I have a few WIPs I have completely ignored.

Morning Darkness, my sequel, hasn't been touched since November (Stupid NaNoWriMo). Poor thing, I even left it at a good point. 20,000 words too!

The Mayor, god, I don't even thing that is 5000 words. I don't even remember what I wrote.

Toulon, which is the last thing I wrote, isn't even 3000 words.

I've been thinking on exactly why I've been blocked. It's not like I'm short on ideas. I have plenty! Though, I have been suffering from a debilitating lack of self confidence. Querying will do that to a person. Querying eats people's souls.

Okay, I'm trying really hard not to turn this into a whiny post. It's hard to write something new when you're just going to think it's going to stink. I've been at war with myself for months, struggling to get my anxiety under control, though without much success.

Now, I know people are going to tell me to relax, to let the stories come out naturally. I haven't worked on anything since April, in hopes of doing just that. No major editing, little querying, a couple contests, and that is about it. I'm trying to give my creative side a bit of a break. It's still frustrating, because I want to tell stories. I want to create something.

Then again, I had the same issues during this time of year with my first book. Maybe Springtime simply isn't my time of year to write. Go figure.

Any advice on how to deal with a months long dry spell? Other than, you know, just going and writing.

Neck deep in edits

Now, here is my first real more 'blog' post. Something I assure many of us writers can relate to: dreadful editing.

Okay, maybe not dreadful. It's a necessary evil in our careers as authors. Everyone from betas, to agents, to editors, to reviewers, and even readers (admit it, you have tried to edit some of your favorite books!) with give you edits or suggestions or alternatives. With all of these people bombarding you with suggestions, where does one, as the original author, say 'PLEASE, STOP IT!'?

Now, I'm not talking about grammar edits. I'm a firm believer that all grammar, spelling, word usage, etc edits should be followed through. 9 times out of 10, they don't affect the story as a whole. Sure, they still fall through the cracks once in a while, but it's not like they do any real harm to anyone. If you are a reader who freaks because a book has one, small grammar edit in 400 pages, you need to get yourself checked.

I'm talking about edits regarding characterization, plots, sub-plots, and major POV shifts (like going from third person to first, or vice versa). Edits that can have a major effect on the story, can be time consuming, and aren't guaranteed to pay off in the end.

No one knows the story better than the author themselves. They deserve to have the final say. Though, how does one look at an edit, go 'uh, no', and not come across as ungrateful and full of themselves?

I have seen published works where it was quite obvious that the author disgrarded pretty much every edit people could have suggested. It comes through their work like a shining beacon. I sure as heck don't want to be known as that kind of author, the one who doesn't listen. On the same token, if I took every edit every person has suggested to me, my writing style and voice (with me being relatively new, isn't all that strong yet) would get lost. The story wouldn't be *mine* anymore.

I'm not a type of person who likes to come across as ungrateful. I am grateful for every single edit, regardless if I use them or not. I know it's because people care enough to take my story to the next level. That doesn't mean every edit is a 'good' edit though. On occasion, people simply miss the point. Not every person in the world is going to 'get' it. It's a fact of life.

Usually, how I determind a 'good' edit from a not as good one is numbers. If five people went over something and didn't say anything and then one person comes by and basically gives a major revision, I'll usually say no. Nothing personal, but who am I going to believe? Five people? Or one?

Well, unless that one person was my editor who bought my book. But I haven't reached that point yet. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

How do you deal with these types of edits? Where do you draw the line? When do you say 'enough is enough'?