Shame in Writing

I'm writing this because I kind of need to get some thoughts out of my head. I'm not looking for commentary necessarily, I just need to get stuff off my chest.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of shame with writing. You see, writing has never been about my personal enjoyment. Creating stories in my head was. Writing was just a vessel to allow others to enjoy my ideas without having to orally tell them, which is tiring. Writing was just a lot simpler; simple equipment that I could carry everywhere with me and use whenever I wanted.

So, I never felt apart of the writing 'crowd'. I've always felt like a fraud; everyone else did it for themselves, to make themselves happy. I did it for others, for commentary. I don't know how to reconcile myself to make writing, the act and art of writing, for myself.

It has really dragged me into a halt with my current WIP. I'm so desperate for someone to tell me I'm on the right track, I feel horribly lost. I don't know where to go or what to do. When I ask for help, no one gives me insight or an answer. They just tell me to figure it out myself yet the reason I ask is because I can't.

I know I shouldn't write for an end goal, yet, it's the end goals that have always kept me going. What's the point in doing anything if there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel? I never do anything for myself. I view that as selfish, and selfishness is a bad thing. I mean, it's not like I deserve to be successful and proud of myself. That's for other people. People who aren't me.

I'm sorry if this is rambling. I'm just letting things flow out of my mind.

It's difficult to get people to understand the depth of my aversion to be selfish, to feel pride. I always viewed these emotions and inherently bad. People aren't suppose to be selfish and prideful, they are suppose to be humble. It's shameful to feel and be selfish. Shameful to do things for yourself when so many others are suffering.

I don't know. I just wish I could get the those thoughts out of my head so I can write. That's all I want to do is write, to escape to my fantasy world again without worry. Yet I worry too much. What if it sucks? What if my ideas are bad? What if I can't get across what I want to get across?

I just feel lost.